Eli Chafin

Pictured: Senior Grace Feiner’s feet

Going to college isn’t the right path for everyone. If early applications didn’t go your way, or if you simply don’t think that higher education is for you, that’s okay! There are plenty of options for high schoolers who decide not to participate in the capitalistic scam of college. Here are some ideas:

Become a social media influencer

I’ll be honest, I still don’t fully understand what this means, but a lot of people are doing it. From my understanding, all you have to do is move to Los Angeles. However, before you are legally allowed to enter the city limits, you have to pledge your allegiance to Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology. In the grand scheme of things, your soul is a small price to pay for fortune and fame.

Become a SoundCloud rapper

If 6ix9ine can make it big, so can you! The bar has literally never been lower. Garage Band is offered on Apple products for free. Just make a beat, slap the word “lil” in front of your name, and mumble something about how you have more money than everyone else. Your worries about the future will be a thing of the past.

Sell pictures of your feet on the Internet

No college degree is required to sell some photos of your little piggies. Just polish those bad boys up, post a Craigslist ad and you’re good to go! There are plenty of freaks on the Internet that are willing to buy what you’re selling. Just don’t think too hard about what they’re doing with the photos, and you’re golden.

Join ISIS

I don’t know that much about ISIS, but you would probably get to hold a sword, so that’s pretty cool. While this is probably the most drastic of the options listed, that doesn’t mean it’s not a valid one. I’ve heard they offer dental care.

Tell everyone that you’re the second coming of Christ

We’ve all pretty much accepted that the world is ending, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find an audience for your false prophecy. The people need someone to follow, and you could be that someone.

Just don’t worry about it because we’re all going to die, and nothing really matters

I don’t feel like elaborating on this one. I’m gonna go lie down.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The Optimist does not support ISIS. Please do not join ISIS.